In the Garden of Eden

There are exactly 411 people in Eden, Idaho. This is according to a 2000 census. It's 2008 and I can tell you that nothing has changed. 411 people. Since 2000, sixteen babies have been born and sixteen folks have called it a day. Every single birth in Eden since about 1997 has been followed by a fairly gruesome death about 24 hours later. When it's time to go murdering, it's important for me to keep it as gruesome as possible. It's really boring here and my kick-ass killstorms are pretty much the only thing people can get excited for anymore. Some people call me the Keeper of the Garden of Eden. Those people are all on the internet. But the name on my driver's license reads Facerape Von Splattergod. Can you believe I got my name legally changed to that?! I really crack myself up sometimes. I also like to crack other people up... LITERALLY!

My favorite murder as a result of blunt trauma to the head and neck was back in 2006 when Sheila Tompkins couldn't conceive with her husband, Morris. The big problem, as I understand it, was that Morris was a homosexual. But I guess they still wanted to have kids so instead of just getting a John to shoot a load into her baby factory, they went a couple of towns over and scienced up a little miracle. Well, that's what I assume. What I do know for a fact is that she got a doctor to artificially knock her up and nine months later she shit out some triplets (who P.S. were clearly half black). The arrival of this triumverate of mustard seeds to our town pushed our population to an unacceptable... oh shit... you know what, my souffle is rising. Peace.

It's coming

Yes, it is.

Ah... My Life

The Truest Ghost of All Jazz

Employe # 5091

Reality + Fantasy

Song Too

Sorry Jessica

Merukura

Chang's hands were covered in sweat as he fumbled with his overly complicated state-of-the-art cellular phone. It's 400 yen per message but he can't stop talking to the smoking hot mystery woman who has been sending him private messages all afternoon. "Show me your ladything," he managed to finally type. "I bet it's gorgeous like a newborn panda."

"And twice as bloody," she replied. My three inch hard-on is never going away now. This anonymous penis-rouser was the Haagenti to my boner's thirty-three legions of hell demons for sure! So much so that I pondered whether or not to offer her the rest of the white newborn baby leftover from dinner last night. But I quickly checked my bank account balance and realized I couldn't spare the food until I got my paycheck on Friday. My hot new sex life is going to put in the poor house! OH WELL!

IMPORTANT INTERNET QUESTION!

HEY I NEED YOUR HELP! SERIOUSLY! IS THERE A DATABASE FOR RAPE ACCUSATIONS/RUMORS FOR THE NEW ENGLAND AREA?!?!?!? I NEED TO KNOW IF THERE IS A RUMOR ABOUT ME! THIS IS NOT A GAME! HELP ME! I AM A GOOD PERSON! I DIDN'T TOUCH HER!@!

Sex Change Lamentation

I miss my cock! It ruled for sticking in girls. No longer do I want to hack the photobuckets of strange women. No longer do I crave just a peek at the bare breasts kept locked inside digital armoires. The Sex and the City movie wasn't even that good! Basically just a really long, OK episode of the show! I chopped down one of the mightiest redwoods in the history of flesh to better enjoy that? And now I won't understand the Hulk movie. And what if my car breaks down?!??!?! Fuck, I'm gonna have to blow some guy so he'll fix it now. I mean, that's what all women do, right? I must've sucked 354 cocks in the last month ALONE. I mean, it's cool not paying for stuff but all the cocksucking. How do "real" women keep up with all dicks?!?!?!? I don't want 354 cocks anymore. I just want one! My old one! Or a black one.

This needs to exist

HEAD VOID

How do you get INSPIRED?! Oooh, the city air fills up my lungs as I run down Broadway screaming "HEY BIG APPLE, I'M HEEEERE!" My entire life is like the opening to Perfect Strangers. I'm constantly going to a Cubs game and stuffing my brain with hopes and dreams and flight attendant wives. Maybe you walk a mile in my shoes but can you walk a SMILE????? Oh I hope you can! New York: CONQUERED. What's next? L.A.? Philadelphia?! Oooh, maybe the singer of Clockcleaner can kick me in the nuts and let me know what a faggot I am! That would BLOW MY MIND. Wake me up out of this diabetic diatribe with drugs and music that takes a chance! As for me, I still drink soda.

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Why I Have Not Been Around

I am recovering from my sex change operation. It takes a very long to get used to a pussy that never moistens. But the tree has been cut down and the stump has been split. I cannot wait to have musicians and athletes stick their cocks in me! The dream of all woman! The dream of me!