Why I Have Not Been Around

I am recovering from my sex change operation. It takes a very long to get used to a pussy that never moistens. But the tree has been cut down and the stump has been split. I cannot wait to have musicians and athletes stick their cocks in me! The dream of all woman! The dream of me!

Where it all began...

The first time I saw tits it was in Pet Sematary II. My mom covered my eyes as soon as the boobs were on screen and I wanted to bite all of her fingers off and spit them back into her face (literally biting the hand that feeds me).

I should've.

Tastes Metallic

Tonight I was haunted by the shadow people of Bushwick. These spooks are everywhere you go.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shadow_people

Whopper Freakout

I wish I could have felt those hideous teeth of yours biting down on this hard-on I have right now. But I'm supposed to be preparing a hamburger and I don't have time for old ghosts haunting my brain like the jazz of Albert Ayler. They're going to throw me in the river just like they did to him. The Burger King Corporation is NOT to be fucked with by anyone. Jazz musicians, Presidents, and average sacks of doughy flesh like me have all felt their wrath. I never signed up to be a statistic. I just wanted to flame-broil beef patties and serve them to old women and mexicans. But you had to show up with those gnarly chompers of yours. You had to fuck it all up for me. My manager is yelling all sorts of degrading things at me. About my weight and poverty, mostly. The spatula is slipping out of my hands because of all the fear sweat pouring down from my wrists. Fuck this, I never needed a spatula to hang out with my friends. Now I need one everyday. I am having trouble flipping the patties because of this non-stop barrage of verbal abuse. The burger blaze is getting higher now and it's creeping dangerously close to the bulge that's tenting my polyester work pants. Oh shit, are these pants flammable?!?!??! I guess I'm about to find out...

I LOVE FRIENDSHIP

KKKollege Life

"If we were still in high school, we'd totally be in love by now," I allowed those largely untrue words tumble out of my fat mouth like dice from the sweaty, desperate palms of a Peruvian businessman on a lost weekend. Let's hope I don't roll snake eyes! I leaned over and hit pause as the final seconds of "Dark Park Creeping" by Mo-Dettes tapered off like my interest in Moira's story about her brother's burgeoning career as a cagefighter.

"So he basically spends half his time running with a log," concluded Moira as I leafed through my CD wallet while feigning a knowing smile (really trying to locate my Dolly Mixture compilation CD-R).

"Wow! A log? What a wild man!" I exclaimed after exactly thirteen seconds of distracted silence. I decide to go with Marine Girls instead. No, no. Young Marble Giants would be perfect right now. Does she even know that Hole didn't write "Credit in the Straight World"? It would be fun to show her how much more I know about music than she does (again).

"Hey, you know that song from 'Live Through This'... 'Credit in the Straight World'?..." I lead in while placing the CD in my stereo.

"You mean, the Young Marble Giants cover?" she replied, almost too quickly. Had I already told her?

"Had I already told you that?" I asked as sweat began to rapidly form on my forehead and several blood vessels in my left eye spontaneously ruptured.

"Uh, no. Doesn't everyone know that?" Her words sailed over my skin like sentient cheese graters shaving off all my skin and leaving it at my feet in thick, bloody rinds. The Young Marble Giants CD exploded in my left palm and the shards severed a great deal of crucial nerve endings. I was left completely numb. I guess I would be going with the Marine Girls CD instead.

"Ooh, I like this. Who is this?" she asked as I thanked a higher power I enjoyed not believing in.

What's In Yr sKKKull

The one thing I regret most about you is never frenching by that lake. The way yr skin clung to yr bones. I so yearned to be like them (wet/inside you). Just like yr skull; I'll be with you when you come home.