Where it all began...

The first time I saw tits it was in Pet Sematary II. My mom covered my eyes as soon as the boobs were on screen and I wanted to bite all of her fingers off and spit them back into her face (literally biting the hand that feeds me).

I should've.

Tastes Metallic

Tonight I was haunted by the shadow people of Bushwick. These spooks are everywhere you go.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shadow_people

Whopper Freakout

I wish I could have felt those hideous teeth of yours biting down on this hard-on I have right now. But I'm supposed to be preparing a hamburger and I don't have time for old ghosts haunting my brain like the jazz of Albert Ayler. They're going to throw me in the river just like they did to him. The Burger King Corporation is NOT to be fucked with by anyone. Jazz musicians, Presidents, and average sacks of doughy flesh like me have all felt their wrath. I never signed up to be a statistic. I just wanted to flame-broil beef patties and serve them to old women and mexicans. But you had to show up with those gnarly chompers of yours. You had to fuck it all up for me. My manager is yelling all sorts of degrading things at me. About my weight and poverty, mostly. The spatula is slipping out of my hands because of all the fear sweat pouring down from my wrists. Fuck this, I never needed a spatula to hang out with my friends. Now I need one everyday. I am having trouble flipping the patties because of this non-stop barrage of verbal abuse. The burger blaze is getting higher now and it's creeping dangerously close to the bulge that's tenting my polyester work pants. Oh shit, are these pants flammable?!?!??! I guess I'm about to find out...

I LOVE FRIENDSHIP

KKKollege Life

"If we were still in high school, we'd totally be in love by now," I allowed those largely untrue words tumble out of my fat mouth like dice from the sweaty, desperate palms of a Peruvian businessman on a lost weekend. Let's hope I don't roll snake eyes! I leaned over and hit pause as the final seconds of "Dark Park Creeping" by Mo-Dettes tapered off like my interest in Moira's story about her brother's burgeoning career as a cagefighter.

"So he basically spends half his time running with a log," concluded Moira as I leafed through my CD wallet while feigning a knowing smile (really trying to locate my Dolly Mixture compilation CD-R).

"Wow! A log? What a wild man!" I exclaimed after exactly thirteen seconds of distracted silence. I decide to go with Marine Girls instead. No, no. Young Marble Giants would be perfect right now. Does she even know that Hole didn't write "Credit in the Straight World"? It would be fun to show her how much more I know about music than she does (again).

"Hey, you know that song from 'Live Through This'... 'Credit in the Straight World'?..." I lead in while placing the CD in my stereo.

"You mean, the Young Marble Giants cover?" she replied, almost too quickly. Had I already told her?

"Had I already told you that?" I asked as sweat began to rapidly form on my forehead and several blood vessels in my left eye spontaneously ruptured.

"Uh, no. Doesn't everyone know that?" Her words sailed over my skin like sentient cheese graters shaving off all my skin and leaving it at my feet in thick, bloody rinds. The Young Marble Giants CD exploded in my left palm and the shards severed a great deal of crucial nerve endings. I was left completely numb. I guess I would be going with the Marine Girls CD instead.

"Ooh, I like this. Who is this?" she asked as I thanked a higher power I enjoyed not believing in.

What's In Yr sKKKull

The one thing I regret most about you is never frenching by that lake. The way yr skin clung to yr bones. I so yearned to be like them (wet/inside you). Just like yr skull; I'll be with you when you come home.

KKKonsumers

Buy Nothing Day is a cute little idea for people too fucking lazy to actually be socially responsible for more than 24 hours straight. It is for horseshit-eating loser assholes. Basically, the day after Thanksgiving is the busiest shopping day of the year. So everyone is going to get together and not buy ANYTHING! WOW! That'll get 'em. Just go and live off those Thanksgiving leftovers for a day kids and say fuck you to consumer culture. Then y'know, return to the status quo the next day like the crummy idiot retard you are the next day.

Here is a better/painfully obvious idea: Spend yr money thoughtfully. If you want something, take the time out to figure out why you want it. I like comic books, marijuana, and eating. I buy those things because I like fiction, feeling rad, and not starving to death. I don't buy a whole fuck of a lot else really. Like, I would probably enjoy a Nintendo Wii but you see me running out and blowing a quarter of my paycheck on it because I just gotta have it. Keep it in yr fucking pants, y'know? And if I'm broke, I don't buy ANYTHING but food. I can do that. It doesn't feel like a Herculean exercise in will. I don't struggle to keep myself from hemmoraging money. Maybe it's because I'm poor and I understand the value of money?

I mean, whatever. Buy Nothing Day is a crummy, piss-swilling idea. All you need to know. But good luck with it, jerkoffs.