“You’re supposed to grab them like this,” she said as her meaty fists clenched around the chicken’s throat. An instantaneous poultry homicide proceeded. I vomited in my own mouth but immediately swallowed back the acidic swell of inside juices. A single tear rolled out of my left eye and down into my beard. The salty optic discharge was now lost in the most sought after beard in all of
“Heh heh, sick,” I managed to choke out of my coppery mouth but the words were muffled behind seven pounds of facial hair. But still, I wanted to (and probably really needed to) get laid tonight. Not just tonight but also perhaps right the fuck now. The International Record Setter Convention was a great place to score all kinds of insane gash. I decided to grow the heaviest beard on the planet to gain access to this exotic collection of transmundane beauty queens. So bored was I of hot internet babes. The backpack wearers and the noseless poltergeists teeming with bones seeking to lock me in their ribcages to sing like an ailing aviary. Superlatives were the only way for me to get my rocks off. Everything else was a barrel full of cod and a pistol.
“So is that your… thing? You kill chickens the fastest or something?” I said while unbuttoning my shirt with my bloody gloved hands. An eagle medallion reveal went unnoticed much to my (perhaps too obvious) dismay. I heaved a vase at the base of her neck for not noticing my jewelry unveiling. She went down in a gnarly heap of orange skin and zebra-print spandex. My erection was undeniable. I began to undo my pants when a fist hit the side of my jaw like a tree falling in the woods and this time there were people around to make a sound. That sound being me yelling out the F-word while plucking teeth out of my beard. And there he stood right in front of me, Ricky “The Runner” Isiah, the fastest man on the planet.
“Now what in the hell were you about to pull, Most-Man?” he barked at me with far too much bass in his voice for my liking. How do these sonuvabitches keep finding me? Just in the last three months, this is the fourth time I’ve been busted by The Runner and his triumvirate of asinine associates. Before I can refer Runner as something derogatory, he will have kicked me in the face over 500 times. My nose is now completely broken. He’s ear-to-ear over my rapid blood loss. I can’t lose sight of my goals. Being goal-oriented got me far in life. You can’t be second best. I just wanted to come to this convention and accept my award for Heaviest Beard. That was seriously all I wanted. But no, Kevin “The Beardman” Baker had to beat me by six ounces. So I decided to set a new record: Most Heinous Crime of All-Time. It wasn’t easy killing and mauling all of those people. It took me over three hours to give this place the thorough once over.
“I love how you can smile at a time like this, Runner. Did you see all the sheer mayhem I caused? I must’ve killed thousands of people. Did you see the bodies, Runner? So, so many bodies,” I tried to muster up a maniacal laugh but I always found that part overrated and overdone. I instead opted to show him my middle finger (which was now caked in dried noseblood).
“I’m smiling, Most-Man, because this was all a setup. Hook, line, and sinker! You fell for it. What a joke! Those were all decoys. Dr. Courage made them in her lab. We knew you wouldn’t be able to resist so many superlatives under one roof. You’re going to jail for a long, long time. So yeah, I’m going to smile quite a bit!” beamed Runner with teeth that were as white as he wasn’t. And then they all revealed themselves, like an eagle medallion hidden by a polyester party shirt. Dr. Courage, a brilliant scientist and futurist, she was the smartest person on the planet. Brandon Irons wasn’t too far behind and for the longest time I could never figure out what his superlative power was. With his impeccable grooming skills and killer wardrobe, I had long considered him the gayest man on the planet but it turns out him and Dr. Courage were like Siamese twins connected at the crotch during the nighttime hours. Bringing up the rear was a lummox of about seven feet with simian features and maroon skin known to the world as Gorilla Red. You guessed it, the stronger person on the planet.
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