I Would Rather Hurt a Man Than Love a Woman

There are exactly 411 people in Eden, Idaho. This is according to a 2000 census. It's 2008 and I can tell you that nothing has changed. 411 people. Since 2000, sixteen babies have been born and sixteen folks have called it a day. Every single birth in Eden since about 1997 has been followed by a fairly gruesome death about 24 hours later. When it's time to go murdering, it's important for me to keep it as gruesome as possible. It's really boring here and my kick-ass killstorms are pretty much the only thing people can get excited for anymore. Some people call me the Keeper of the Garden of Eden. Those people are all on the internet. But the name on my driver's license reads Facerape Von Splattergod. Can you believe I got my name legally changed to that?! I really crack myself up sometimes. I also like to crack other people up... LITERALLY!

My favorite murder as a result of blunt trauma to the head and neck was back in 2006 when Sheila Tompkins couldn't conceive with her husband, Morris. The big problem, as I understand it, was that Morris was a homosexual. But I guess they still wanted to have kids so instead of just getting a John to shoot a load into her baby factory, they went a couple of towns over and scienced up a little miracle. Well, that's what I assume. What I do know for a fact is that she got a doctor to artificially knock her up and nine months later she shit out some triplets (who P.S. were clearly half black). The arrival of this triumverate of mustard seeds to our town pushed our population to an unacceptable... oh shit... you know what, my souffle is rising. Peace.